The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
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How did I end up in the pool?!
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He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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