I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
