she looked like the before picture.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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