Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
