You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
this just has baby written all over it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
