apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
smell my finger.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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