I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
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They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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