You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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