They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
