I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
