so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
