R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
