oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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