420 ftw
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
