my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
