I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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