I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
