he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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