come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
