96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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