whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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