First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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