Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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