I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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