I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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