I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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