you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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