EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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