this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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