So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
