My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
