I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
