I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
