I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
