I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
never play flip cup with pint glasses
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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