im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
is wine microwaveable?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
