I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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