I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
