My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
