We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
