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He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
