I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
ok first of all what the fuck
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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