I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
