He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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