Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
