Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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