The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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