Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
