She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
BRING THE BAGELS
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Randomize
