I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
