Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
