I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
