Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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