So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
